Aliens in my bedroom

7:02amI wake up with a weird sensation. I'm awkwardly awake (I don't usually get up till 7:35 and even then I lay in bed for another 10 min until I'm so late that I HAVE to get up), strangely warm, and lying in an uncomfortable position. Do you ever wake up and your hand is frozen in a weird fist until you can stretch out the tendons? That's how both my hands were.

I couldn't figure out why I felt so weird, then it hit me: aliens abducted me last night. The very next thought that went through my head was, "Gosh, have I really gotten THIS nerdy?" If you look at a sample of people who claim to have been abducted you'll notice a huge trend - they're either from the Pacific South West, or they're NERDS. I live in the North-Central-Mid-West so there's only one reason I could believe I was abducted. I'm a nerd. I tried to figure out why only nerds believe in abduction, and then I remembered Occam's Razor - the theory that the simples explanation for a phenomenon is likely the correct one. It just hit me. The reason only nerds believe in abduction is because aliens only abduct nerds! Brilliant. Then I got a little annoyed. Who are these aliens to judge me? Why did they think I was a nerd? Sure I used to watch Star Trek in middle school, I may have read most of a Star Wars book in high school, and I get my news from Slashdot.com but does that make me nerdy enough to get abducted?!?

After the initial terror of realizing I was abducted (and a nerd) my little brain did a star wipe to a new idea: maybe they gave me super powers! Ya know... like for an experiment or something. I can't explain why, but the first two powers I hoped I had were 1) Super extreme speed and 2) Superior brainpower. Stupid. Those are lame. First of all I already have superior brainpower and it's not that great. And extreme super speed? I believe that's called a car. Everyone knows the two best powers are invisibility and flight. Then I got to thinking, what if you had the power of flight, but you could only fly 2 miles per hour. How annoying would that be! It's like, hey look... I can slowly hover over there. I picture myself in the superman flying pose but being passed by casual pedestrians on their way to work. Or the market. I'd never use that power. I'd just pretend I didn't have it. Unless I needed to change the light bulb at the top of the stairs. Then it would be convenient.

I was starting to second guess whether or not I was really abducted. I checked myself for probe marks but didn't see any. I really don't know what probe marks look like, or if aliens even leave marks, but the fact that I didn't see any big bruises or surgery scars was good enough to put me back to sleep. I realized I wasn't abducted... but I am a nerd :)