love and loss

The cold metal bar will have to do as a back rest as I put my feet up to sit sideways across the chair lift. It took half an hour to walk from my house to the top of buck hill but the view is worth it. The sunset is fighting to shine behind some clouds to the west, the skyscrapers are glowing orange to the north, and to the west I can see Burnsville, Apple Valley and Lakeville. The trees are in full color but my favorite part of the view is the nostalgia. I can see where I grew up - my house, my high school and the places I went with friends. I wonder if that's why this is my favorite place to sit and think. It reminds me of who I am.

I don't have anything particular to think about this time, but I'm sure if I let my mind wander for long enough it will land on something. And it does. A little surprised, I end up thinking about my grandma. She could see buck hill from her bedroom window and since she knew I loved to ski, I'm sure the sight reminded her of me. But as she passed so did the moment and now the bright lights are just lights. As I sway in my make-shift bench and look back on her house it's hard not to be sad. I wish I could thank her for helping me though college and tell her I graduated. I wish I could show her how much music I'm making. I wish I could sit and talk with her and hear her story and what she's thinking about.

But I can't. This is life. This is how it works.

Relationships of love are a fragile thing and every one of them will end. I have to remind myself not to mourn the fact that it's gone but rejoice that it lived for 21 years. Alleluia. A loss that still hurts four years later can only be the result of a deep love. We're left with two choices: love little and lose little, or love richly and mourn painfully. I say love richly and let the pain of mourning be a reminder that we're on the right track. Learn from those you love and let them shape you. When they're gone you'll still be changed and that in itself will go on forever. Allow yourself to be loved and never withhold. Love God with bottomless depth, His will never end, and in that love find hope of a heavenly reunion.

Maybe I'm getting too sappy but there's one thing I know to be true - just thinking about my Grandma makes me want to love more. Thank you.